Saturday, February 2, 2013

Senioritis: Inflammation of the Senior

     Right now I am on a sub-I (short for sub-internship, meaning we should basically be functioning at the level of an intern and taking on the same responsibilities) in medicine, which is kind of a problem because I have no motivation. I am not sure what happened to me, I used to be (meaning up until December) a highly motivated, tenacious, eager to learn, enthusiastic medical student. When I was told to go home at the end of the day, I was always that girl that said "are you sure there is nothing else I can help you with," and would end up staying at the hospital until 8pm. Now, the second I am released I am like the Road Runner from Looney Tunes, you can only see the wind from my fast dash out of the hospital. Of course I still want the best for the patients I am assigned to follow, still write good notes, and always do what is asked of me at the hospital, but my heart is just not in it as it once was. I am not going home and doing additional research on their conditions, looking up experimental treatments, and basically going the extra mile. I am also not studying on a constant basis anymore. Yesterday the resident I was with asked me a question on Type 4 Renal Tubular Acidosis, and all I could come up with was "I SO knew this answer back when I took Step 2 in July." I didn't even care enough to be that embarrassed about it. I think part of the problem is that the sub-I is in medicine, which has probably been my least favorite rotation to date as all we seem to do (in my opinion) is call specialists, juggle medications, and round for about 5 hours every morning ( I have more of the surgical mentality of "lets fix things now!"). However, I also think I have what, in high school, used to be called senioritis.
     Back in high school, I was a big goody-goody, I took 5 or 6 AP classes my senior year, never skipped class, ALWAYS did my homework no matter what UNTIL.......I applied to my first choice college early decision and was accepted in December. From then on, I was like a different person. I had pulled more than a 180, it had to be closer to a 270, because I cared so little about school. For the first time ever I was not doing my homework, not studying for exams, and basically behaving like the antithesis of my former self. I still passed my classes and all that, but I remember, more than anything being scared that I would never revert back go my former self and that I would still be unmotivated once college started. It didn't happen that way, and once college started I did care about my grades and was able to sit down and do work, but I am definitely feeling the same way now.
      I am going to have BIG problems my intern year if I do not replace this lazy person I do not know with my former motivated self. My former self would definitely make a better doctor than this girl who has replaced her. Lets just hope that she can resurface in time for residency to begin, which thankfully, will be a good 3 months after I am done with my rotations. I have to believe that those 3 months will provide ample time to recover from the past 4 years before I begin. I think I am just burnt out from everything, including all of these residency interviews. If ALL of my med school friends didn't feel the same way, I would be extremely concerned. For now though, I am going to chalk it up to senioritis, which is clearly not just a high school thing. In fact, I think senioritis is a disease with a relapsing and remitting pattern (like Multiple Sclerosis), and tends to come back before the end of any major milestone. If only there were a cure.